あるLetterの検証

下に載せたレターはある外資につとめる日本人社員が最近書いたものです。業務内容・個人名などは変更してますが、それ以外はできるだけ原文を尊重して変更してません。文章全体のフォーマットもそのままです。英語力はTOEICで750点くらいの人です。内容は自分が担当になった業務の進捗を上司のアメリカ人にレポートするためでした。

Steve,

Although this is a Bad news coming, I would like to share the info below with you guys.

We are already in a difficult situation in terms of the project A. Actually, we are already in more than 1 month behind the schedule. I don't know how much Mr. Rabbit has reported you so far. But Here is the background and
my impression so far.

Background
=========
Regarding the project A, ABC Corporation and XYZ Corp. has had a lot of meetings since the program began. In ABC stand point, Since XYZ has all the responsibility in the device installation, XYZ should work hard to propose the system so that the
installation can proceed smoothly. However, in XYZ stand point, XYZ
understands where the responsibility belongs to ( in XYZ of course). But, XYZ cannot design the system unless the requirement from ABC is appropriately defined to the extent to the details such as the interface between the computer and the wiring harness. Such a time consuming discussion between ABC and XYZ has been repeatedly conducted, which caused the development to be holded up.

My impression so far
================
To be honest, ABC and XYZ have not built up the trustful relationship in terms of the project development. Actually, (I don't want say this,though) XYZ doesn' t trust Mr. Rabbit (HP管理者注:Mr. Rabbitはこのレター送信者のsupervisorです)at all. Even me, I am very skeptical about Mr. Rabbit's true intensions with regards to communicating with XYZ so that things can get better.

The only thing ABC (and Mr. Rabbit) has done is to push the responsibility to XYZ. And XYZ was upset against the attitude and has not done anything in studying the feasibility of the device integration. XYZ expected Mr. Rabbit to stand in between so that the technical information can go
back and forth smoothly , however, since He is not an electrical engineer, he doesn't understand what XYZ actually wants to know, what is expected and what is going to happen next.

Very last week, the technical meeting just started to review the requirement together and today we are going to have the second technical meeting. However, XYZ is still working on preparing the plan how to support the device installation and is having an internal meeting how to deal with this situation today. So we have to wait for the outcome from the meeting.

Even me(ABC employee) , It was very difficult to get the appropriate information from ABC Europe. If XYZ, It would be beyond imagination.

I know how to work with XYZ and questions from XYZ but I don't know how to work with ABC Europe team yet. My opinion may not still stand neutral, rather for XYZ...
Action
=====
Again, The only thing I can do is to wait for the result from XYZ internal meeting to decide how to deal with this situation including ( I assume) the counter-timing plan to deliver the sytem proposal. Once the output is available, we are going to discuss what to do. Probably, we should have today's meeting as planned, which may require the management level discussion.

That's it so far.
Sorry for the late report.
This is all what I can do so far.

  • 最初に、長くて申し訳ありません。おわかりの方もいらっしゃるようにまだまだ英文ライティングスキルは非常に稚拙です。ざっと読んだだけで下記のような改善点が思い浮かびます:
    • 構成がだらだらとしている
    • 文法的にはまだまだ。スペルチェックもしてない?
    • 頭のなかでまず日本語をGenerateした後に訳しました〜、という英語
    • 話し言葉と書き言葉がごっちゃ
    • 英文レトリックを殆ど無視(改行・段落位置などの基本的な英文の約束事)
    • そして、何が結局言いたいの?効率よく短時間で読んで頂くという気持ちがないからです。自分の気持ちを打ち明けたMasturbationに終わっています
  • これら英語のスキルに関しては別途「TOEIC900点以上」の方で後日少し触れますのでここでは目をつぶって先に進みましょう。
  • そういういわゆる英語のスキルの部分はこれから勉強と経験を積んでいけば(本人に治そうとする意志があればですが)、直ります。この人は大学卒業後にほかの外資で8年の経験がある人ですが、ライティングをImproveしたいという意識がないと8年いてもこの程度という、一つの例であるともいえます。
  • ここで取り上げたい問題はそれではありません。文章全体に漂うNegativeな雰囲気です。そして文章が必要以上にInflammatoryなことです。付け加えれば、真上のSupervisorのことをNegativeに文書でもって上司に直接報告してしまっていることもプロセス的には問題でしょう。
  • 私は本人ではないので文面から読みとれる部分に限られますが、分かる範囲で私なりに書き直してみたのが次のページです。